Love the moment

Yeah, fuck THIS moment...

Some days it's just so hard to not let yourself be shit on by other people.  I mean, you think, well, I can move out of the way, I can ignore what she just said, did, whatever... but sometimes, SOMETIMES you just need to say, FUCK IT.

Fuck you and everyone that looks like you.  Fuck you and the horse you rode in on.  Fuck it.  Fuck.

I'm sorry, did you want to see me?  Fuck you.

What?  Can I do that for you?  Haha... Nah... I was kidding.  Do it your fucking self.

Yep.  That's my day - loving every moment of it.  Absolutely, without a doubt.

Fuck.

Refreshing...

There are some things about me, I'm realizing...

I can be stubborn during times where it really isn't to my advantage or in my best interest to be stubborn.  I procrastinate about things that would take no time at all just to take care of.  I think I understand how things are or how people are until I open my mouth and realize I was totally mistaken.  And then I want to pick up the words off the ground in front of me and shovel them back where they came from.

There are other things.  Things I do that are really just ridiculous...

I have been so lucky recently to have had the experience of being adored for these ridiculous things that I do.  Or maybe... maybe I've been adored in spite of these ridiculous things that I do.

It's so refreshing.

It's wonderful to look out and see people with all their quirks and giggle about it.  Accept it.  Smile about it.  Smile with them.  Sometimes, kindly and gently poke a little fun and love them for it.  Such a different experience than I have had before...

Refreshing...I think I'll stay this way...

A window and a door

It's comfortable sitting next to this window where I can look out and see the trees and the sun and clouds, good weather and bad.  I can see the people doing what they do as they pass by.  I can wonder about where they are going, where they've been and what their lives must be like behind closed doors. I can dream about what I want to do and what I want to be.  I can imagine what it will be like when I get up and walk across the room to the door that opens up to my future.

The door is very inviting and I envision what it would be like to open that door and step out.  I have some idea of where it will lead.  I don't know what will happen on the way, but I do know where it CAN take me.  It would take  me to a place where I'm one of the people passing by windows where others are looking at me and imagining what my life is like behind closed doors.

It's comfortable sitting next to this window but the days are long and the view is limited to only what the window allows me to see.  I find myself staring at the door more often.  I think it might be exciting to walk over and just open the door a bit.  Perhaps the view outside the door, along the way, in the future, is more amazing than I can even dream about while sitting here next to this window.

I'm sitting further from the window now and it's not so comfortable.  The view is so small from here and the door is so close.  I don't think I can stay here much longer.  I'm afraid to go out the door, but I don't know what I'm afraid of.  I wish that I wanted to stay here comfortable next to the window.  Maybe I'll just close my eyes, stand up and reach in front of me.  If it's the window that I reach for, then I'll stay.  If it's the door...

I know

I just wanted to tell you that "I know".

I know that I could have done better.  I see where I made mistakes.

Even when I say out loud, "You did this to me and hurt me."  I think about what I did that hurt you.

I think about how I acted, thought and felt and how it could have been different.  Would things be different now?  Maybe... maybe...

I can't go back and change everything I did and how I reacted.  I don't know what would have happened if I had the ability to see things as I do now.

I am thankful that I am able to see more clearly now, because it means the future will be a more positive place, for me, for you... for anyone I interact with.

At some point I hope to make this amends to you. I'd like you to know.  All those things you think about, if you think about the same things I do... you're right.  I made mistakes.  I could have done better, I could have done more.  It's not all your fault.

I know.

You are strong

I read the text from a friend, "You are strong."  Yes, I am.

I see the email from a confidant, "You can do it."  Yes, I can.

I hear the words, "You are amazing."  I must be.

I know these things because I'm not alone.

And that's awesome.

How many men have YOU slept with?

Uh...  "Huh?"

My daughter... again, "How many men have YOU slept with?"

I'm sorry... "WHAT?"

Internal monologue:
WHAT IN THE FUCK is she ASKING me this for?  And WHAT is the RIGHT answer???  WHAT??

Daughter, laughing a bit and a little irritated at my non-answer, sitting next to her younger girlfriend..."Well, what is it... like 5?"

Internal monologue:
5??  Is 5 a good number or a bad number.  Let me see, uh, there was... uh...  Oh my God.  I would have NEVER asked my mother this question. And definitely NEVER in front of one of my friends (I would have told my friends later what she said...).  And how many men DID my mom sleep with?  Is it genetic?  I mean, the predisposition to sleeping with a certain number of men?  Think, think, think...

Daughter's friend, "Yeah, how many men have you slept with?"

"Well, how many men has your mom slept with?"

Internal monologue:
Whew... get the focus off me for a bit...

Daughter's friend, "I don't know.  I would never ask her, but I would like to know how many you have
slept with."

"Well, I'm not going to answer the question.  I am not comfortable sharing that information with you."

Daughter, "So you've had a one night stand?"

Internal monologue:
...................................................................................

Just walk away...

It's an adventure...

There are so many ways to experience life as an adventure.  I just didn't realize until today that one of those ways is through financial insecurity.

Let me paint the picture for you...

It's Monday, you get paid every two weeks and you have to make it to Friday - payday.  Five days.  No problem...right?

Ok, ok...So, it's Monday and you have SOME money available in your checking account, but your credit card is completely useless because the limit is low and well, it's at the limit.  You need to fill up your gas tank with cash from your checking account.  You could live for the next five days on the groceries you have in the house, but the kids will have you arrested for starving them if you do not buy more food before Friday.  More money out of the checking account.  You wrote a check two weeks ago that you forgot about and this is the week that it finally hits your account.  You use your Target debit card which is attached to your checking account and forget that it takes a couple of days to post to your account, so you THINK you actually have more money available than you do.

In an effort to be proactive, you take a good look at your budget, you account for all of these outstanding debts that will most likely hit your account before Friday and prepare yourself to have a checking account balance very close to zero before all is "said and done".

And then, looking forward, you decide to schedule payments on your credit card and other bills in advance so that they will be taken care of once you get paid and there is money in your account to cover them.  When Friday comes, Ahhh.... you can breathe and know that you have money available, bills will be paid.  YES!  Life is good - a little stressful until then, but yes, life is good...

AND THEN...on Tuesday...you get a text that the VERY LARGE payment you THOUGHT you scheduled for Friday (payday, remember?) for your credit card has been posted to your account... GASP!!! choke... Holy F...FUCK!

NOW is the time that you THANK GOD that you've treated your family and friends fairly well, because they are the ONLY WAY you will get out of this situation ALIVE (or, at least without a bunch of overdraft charges and returned check fees - not to mention being arrested because you haven't yet bought those groceries for your starving children).

Thursday.  Only one day before payday.  The final stretch of the longest week of your life...  The day before you can pay back Peter for covering for your paying Paul too early...  BUT...it's also the day that you need to go pick up that rental car you reserved.  The rental car that requires a deposit on your credit card in order to be picked up.  A deposit amount that is $7 more than the credit available on your credit card (even with the SUPER HUGE payment that you made with Peter's money).  What do you do now?  Well, cross your fingers... say a prayer... talk to friends... call the credit card company...be prepared to tell your entire financial fiasco of a week to the car rental place and hope that they will pity you enough to give you the car even if you can't come up with the full deposit.

Yes, yes... I use the word "you" above, but it's me.  This is my week.  Not an example of a fictitious "you" week... This is my terrible, terrible way of screwing myself up in just a matter of a few days (and, mind you, the second time I've had a problem with being prepared for a rental car deposit).  BUT it made me realize that... IT'S AN ADVENTURE.  And there were many people involved.  There was connection.  There was excitement.  There was understanding and care and forgiveness and empathy and sympathy.  I was supported.  I was not alone.  And after getting the rental car, there was relief and happiness - and not just mine.  I was joined.

So, it's an adventure and an experience I will not forget.  I love adventures.  I wouldn't have asked for this one, but I can honestly say that this one turned out wonderfully and all of the players, from family & friends to the credit card representative and rental car counter clerk, were just wonderful.

Thanks for being a part of my adventure.

I CANNOT wait until tomorrow. Whew!... (Friday - payday - remember?)

You SHOULD want more

It's a common theme as you get older.  The thoughts that what you've done up to this point hasn't been enough.
"I'm 30 and I still haven't..." 
"I'm 40 and I can't believe I didn't know this before..."
"I'll be 50 before I accomplish this goal..."
"Why didn't I know, do, achieve, get "this" so many years ago?"
I was having these thoughts recently and BAM!  something wonderful occurred to me!  I should want more.  I look forward to still learning when I'm 45, 50, 60, 65, 77... whatever age I am, I hope to still want more.  Why haven't I already done it?  Because I haven't.  Will I accomplish it?  Well, we'll just see, won't we?
And what if I DON'T accomplish "IT"??  What then?  NOW, I'm older and still in the same place... or am I?  I mean...Really?  Whatever it is - starting your own business, getting in shape, getting married, getting divorced, working on your relationship(s)...if you don't accomplish exactly what you set out to, take a look at what you did do by just trying.

I look forward to, every year, striving for more.  Trying for better... not settling, not accepting the thought that "I'm too old now" or "It's too late"...Yeah, I like that...Life is good...How old am I?  hehe...

Time stands still

Have you ever had a day where it feels like time is just standing still?  It's like the calm before the storm, the eye of the hurricane...

I mailed something today.  Something that will impact me and my family for the rest of our lives.  I don't want to talk about it, say what it is, or think of where it's going.  It's just in the mailbox...waiting...as time stands still...

I prefer to stay in this still moment and not think about anything but this moment.  I don't want to predict the future, anticipate anyone's reactions, try to protect myself from the pain that is inevitable, or make plans.  I just need to be still.  It feels safe.  I'm safe.

I know it won't last, but I am so thankful for this still moment, this feeling of calm.  Everything else is so very far away.  Thank God...for holding time still - if only just in my mind.

Don't Lie

It's something I have to repeatedly work on.  It's amazing how difficult it is to be honest.  There can be so much fear of what will happen, what someone will think, what someone will do or how they will react if I tell them the truth.

Will they leave me?  Will they judge me?  Will they hate me?  Will they get others to hate me?  Will it hurt them?

The interesting thing is that none of us can predict the future, but when we decide to be dishonest, we are actually assuming that we can. 

Think about it.

The reason why you don't tell the truth is because of what you perceive the outcome will be.  So, obviously, you think that the result to sharing the truth, to being honest, is a negative one.  Something that will hurt you or someone else.  And so you try to act like God and control the outcome.

I'm working on it.  I'm hoping that God can help me.  Because if you could see the inner workings of my mind and how I dance around telling the truth sometimes to avoid pain, well... It's just nuts.

So, I'm giving you the advice that I give myself.  Don't lie. 

Don't do it (talking to myself - helps to repeat it).

The difference between men and women

I received a text.  It was a question and it was from a man.  "What size do you wear?"

A complicated question, really.  And I had to answer it in a text, so I needed to make sure to keep my wording precise and to the point.  I wasn't really worried about judgment about my size... well, I take that back... there was a part of me that wanted to go with the smaller size... I mean, it depends on the store, right?

So, my answer went something like this:
"Well, I usually wear a medium on both top and bottom, but it depends on if I am shopping in the women's department or the junior's department.  I prefer to shop in the junior's department.  I could wear a small top in the women's department, but I would have to go medium or large in the junior's department, depending on the type of top.  As far as bottoms, I believe I'm usually like a size 6 or 7 in the women's department but that could be a 9 or 11 in jeans from the juniors department."

His response:
"So, medium is good?"

My response:
"yes." And the feeling that I had just gone waaay overboard in explaining something to someone who could only handle a one word answer. 

I hope it (whatever it is) fits.

2012 is going to be a good year

How can the year not start off great when the last blog of 2011 is titled, "Vagina"?

What body part shall we start this year off with?  Perhaps something a little more benign, like "foot" or something... I mean, start from the bottom and move on up for the year?  That sounds great!  A new beginning, starting with my feet firm on the ground for 2012, taking each step by putting one foot in front of the other.  Ahh... sounds grand.  Start simple, move forward, love what is, look forward to what will be, leave the past behind, enjoy the present, dance a little, run and play... Yes.  Sounds great.  And my feet are up to the task.  They have been scrubbed, moisturized, nails clipped (those that aren't missing) and are properly cared for in the right shoes for the right activity.  And, of course, they get some time off at home to walk around naked... oh, well, I guess that would be "barefoot" (not naked, geez...where is my mind).

So! I look forward to what this year brings!  What it has already brought!  Feet planted firmly on the ground.  Let's move!