Where are you, my friend?

I've noticed lately that your chocolate brown eyes are no longer expressive, but blank and black. 
I miss your spark.  I don't miss it for me, but I miss it for you.

Where are you, my friend?  Lost in a bottle somewhere?  You seem to try so hard to hide what you think are inadequacies that you hide what is so enjoyable about you.

I'd love to see you laugh and have fun.  I'd love to see you dance.

Be wary of comparisons

I had a conversation with a woman who has had some experiences very much like my own.  I could totally identify with where she had been, where she was at and what she had done to deal with her life circumstances (recently).  But, I also had this feeling - I believe it was fear.  I had a fear that our experiences were alike so therefore we were alike and, honestly, I didn't like where she was going (in her thoughts, on her life path, etc.).  It took me a while to really think through it, to realize that she wasn't me, I have choices and her reality is not my reality.

It's hard when you look at someone and see yourself, but I think it is really important to be wary of comparisons.  Don't be blind to the fact that - yes, there are similarities and yes, you could go down that path...But remember to take a breath and say to yourself - I have a choice.  And it doesn't matter if she or anyone else sees the comparisons and thinks we are the same.  I'm the one that determines that.  I get to decide who I am and what I do.  I may do things like you but I am not you and your thinking that I am, doesn't make it so...

Be wary of comparisons.  They can send you down a path that you don't need to be on.  Keep your eyes open, talk to God and keep those that you trust and have your best interest at heart close by.

A real mind fuck

I was listening to a man talk the other day; let's call him "Harry" (I am a die hard Harry Potter fan).  I suppose I could say I was having a conversation with Harry, but really, I didn't do any talking.  Here's the thing... Harry has this friend, his name is "Ron".  Ron recently realized he has a drinking problem after experiencing multiple seizures as a result of his alcohol consumption.  Harry, being the good friend that he is, went to visit Ron and talked with him about his experience, his plans to take care of himself better for the future, about attending AA and about a lifetime of not drinking (from here on out).

Here's the mind fuck: Harry is an alcoholic.  He is not an admitted alcoholic, but if it looks like a duck and quacks like a duck... you know how the saying goes...

Everything that Harry had to say about Ron, could have been said about Harry - minus the seizures.  Harry sounded like he really had an understanding of the situation and what Ron was going to have to do.  Harry fully supported Ron.  He expressed anger with one of Ron's friends, who also had a seizure a while back, because he told Ron not to believe that the seizure was actually from the alcohol consumption.

At one point he said to me, "Ron said, 'as far as I'm concerned, anyone that drinks more than 6 beers in a night has a problem.'"  Harry's response was, "Hey now, I think many of us have had 6 or more..." so Ron replied, "Well...everyday.  If you drink 6 or more everyday, you've got a problem."

Really?

It's scary to see addiction and denial in action.  It's sad. It makes me wonder where the real Harry is.  Hidden behind all that denial...

And just to clarify - this is not a judgment.  It's a mind fuck.  I am not saying that I am immune to addiction or denial (because I am not), but I do believe that I had a very clear view of it during this one sided conversation. And I felt myself getting sucked into it a bit...like if someone lies to your face day after day, you finally just accept the lie as truth.  You join the denial.  Shit, Harry's not an alcoholic.  He doesn't drink 6 beers EVERY day.  Sheesh...

But as I watched Harry fill up his wine glass after he told me last week that he wasn't going to drink on weeknights, I realized the mind fuck I had just experienced.

Thank you God for the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference.

At least I run

A friend of mine pointed something out to me the other night. She and I have similar "issues".  She pointed out that she has found a way to deal with her issue, but she has a hard time getting herself to exercise.  I am still working on my issue, but I run almost every day.  I took in what she said and I appreciated it, but then it really hit me last night while I was running.  I was having a difficult time keeping my mind straight about everything going on in my life and I thought to myself, "at least I run".  And then BAM!  What she said hit me.

It's a starting point.  If I can successfully do one thing, I can successfully do other things.  And I have found that even when I have difficulty facing my demons, I still run.  I may not have complete control over some of the things in my life, but I have found a way to be consistent, healthy and in control of my running.

This is the same friend that gave me a bookmark with the word "determination" on it.  It's so nice when your friends really "see" you.  And when they give you the gift of being able to see yourself.

Sometimes, you just can't go back

I had a philosophy teacher once who made a statement that really impacted me.  He said (something like), "You can take the world apart to analyze all the pieces, but once you do that, you can never put it back together again."  I remember the quizzical look that he had on his face after he said it.  It was as if he was picturing all the parts of the world in his head and was simply overwhelmed with the thought that they once fit together so nicely.

I feel like I have some sense of what he was talking about and I believe he was right.  Sometimes you just can't go back.  I'm talking about it in a much smaller scale than he was.  I'm talking about your own personal world - how you relate to your surroundings, other people, yourself...  Sometimes you learn certain truths, make certain changes and you find the way that you were before or the way you perceived things before to be intolerable - or, just wrong.

There's something absolutely wonderful about gaining this type of knowledge or insight.  And yet, there's a little bit of "sad" mixed in with it.  Change is hard. And sometimes.... you just can't go back.

100 days sober

100 days without a drink.  Have I wanted a drink?  Yes.  Has it been difficult not to drink?  Not really - on occasion - but, not really.  Do I envision having my first drink after this long period of abstinence from alcohol?  Hmmm.... you know, I sometimes think about going out for a drink with friends and then I think how cool it is that I haven't been drinking.  I've gone to parties, gone out to dinner, went on vacation and did just fine.  Just call me the designated driver.  I'm not really certain that I'll be taking that next drink.  I'm definitely not planning on it.

I must say, this "no drinking" thing has actually been inspirational to me.  I've inspired myself!  I started thinking about other things I could do that would improve my health, well-being, state-of-mind, etc.  I'm in the planning stages of cutting caffeine out of my diet.  Planning stages, mind you... I may not be an alcoholic, but coffeeholic - I am.  There's just no denying it.  I'm also in the planning stages of incorporating cross-training into my fitness routine.  A big step.  I love running, but other types of exercise can be a chore for me.  Funny, how that is...

Being sober has really opened my eyes and my mind to so many things around me.  Maybe this seems strange, because I wasn't a heavy drinker to begin with.  I wasn't drunk every night.  I didn't drink every night.  There's just something about making the decision to do it differently.  Coming home after a day at work with frazzled nerves and more chaos at home and choosing not to "relax" with a drink, makes a huge difference.  The difference is that you actually have to think about what's going on around you, think about how you react to it, what your plan is to keep yourself positive and caring for the people (family) around you.  And the more you think about it, the more you walk through it, the more you learn about yourself.  Your eyes get opened.  You get inspired.  Well, that's how it happened (is happening) for me.

100 days sober on Independence Day.  Pretty cool...

My butt hangeth

There was this picture of me running.  It was taken just a few months ago.  It was a good picture as far as running pictures go, but there was this thing with my butt.  It seemed that part of it was a little too low...  And it was kind of flat at the bottom.  It was a side view.  I just decided that it was some weird thing about running and the picture was taken at this certain angle, so my butt just looked "funny".  Yep.  Weird picture.  Move on.

Well...I was at a hotel recently that had a full length mirror just outside the bathroom.  So, if you are in the bathroom standing in front of the sink and you look to the side, you can see your entire body from the side.  I was naked.  I looked pretty good (if I do say so myself), but there was this weird thing with my butt.  I was like, huh... I turned a little to the left, a little to the right and sure enough, in the right angle I could see that "my butt hangeth".  It hangeth lower than it used to.  It is, you know, a 40 year old butt.  Huh...

So, my butt hangeth.  How does that make me feel?  Strangely enough, it doesn't really bother me.  My butt is almost 41 years old.  Damn thing got tired.  I do believe that I can give it a bit of a "lift".  I've heard that lunges and squats are good for that.  Unfortunately, running doesn't do anything to stop your butt from sliding down the back of your thigh.

I've started my squat-lunge program... just one day so far, but hey, you gotta start somewhere...

Yep.  Shit happens as you get older.  And sometimes, it happens to your butt.