Have another drink...

I drank so much that as we were leaving the restaurant, I whispered to my husband who was rushing ahead of me, "hey, um... you need to hold my arm to lead me out of here.  I can't walk straight."  He held me tight to his side, walked me carefully down the stairs and scooped me into the car.  I laid down for most of the ride home, but sat up at one point because my head was spinning so bad, I thought I might just puke.  There I was, hanging my head out the window in the cool night air... mouth open, drooling... waiting for the puke to come.  So attractive.  It didn't happen.  The spinning did eventually stop - kind of miraculous, really, how my body handled the abuse.


It was a terrible night.  Note to self - do NOT start talking about relationship issues with your husband over dinner after two glasses of wine.  Actually, in my case, not even one...

So, I decided to stop drinking.  It was a pretty easy decision - for about a week.  Now, it's day by day.

After a long day at work, the kids are unhappy, the husband is stressed... what a great time for a drink!  I see the open beer on the counter.  If you can't beat 'em, join 'em, right?  Oh, crap... yeah, I decided not to do that.  Ugh. Welcome to reality.  Time to face it.   So, what do I do?  Do I get irritated with the kids and blame them for being unhappy? Do I take on my husband's stress and make it my own?  Ack!  If only I could have that drink to soothe my nerves... I could deal with the situation, ooohhhh sooooo much better.

It's an every evening dilemma.  I will actually tell myself that I deserve the break.  Why should I be the only one dealing with the issues? I'm not getting any acknowledgement for staying present.  They probably won't even notice if I only have one drink.  As long as the kids don't see me drinking it, it should be OK.  I can pull it off.

F--k.  Maybe I'm an alcoholic. Hmmm....

Nah.  I don't think I need to add that to my list of descriptors just yet.  But I'll acknowledge the challenge.