Grief

Sometimes a walk down memory lane can be so painful.

I find myself going through a grief process.  I'm looking forward and making changes.  I'm doing my best to live life every day.  Make every day count.  Touch lives, connect with people, be a good mother, enjoy my surroundings, love my friends and family, enjoy nature and have gratitude for what I have (and for what I don't have - sometimes you have to be thankful for those things you DON'T have to deal with).

And then, interestingly enough, as I take these steps forward, I find myself naturally turning my head to look behind me to see where I've been.  I can see where I stood still, where I sat down, where I went backward, and where I got lost.  I'd really like to reach back and show myself the right way.  I wonder where I would be today if I didn't get lost, if I didn't stand still, or if the people who were around me then were as supportive as the people I have around me now.

Fortunately, I have not had the experience of losing a parent, sibling, child or spouse.  My grief is really over lost opportunities and bad choices.  It's about the loss of my teenage self, my 20-something year old self, my 30-something year old self; because I can't get them back.  I have to keep moving.  There's a real sadness in that.  I can totally see how when you lose a loved one, part of the grief is not in the loss of what was, but in the loss of what will be because you have to move on. 

Well, you don't HAVE to move on.  You may keep living, but not take an active role in your life because you let the grief overcome you.  But that's not really a great choice.  It's one that will bring more grief and mourning later on...  either to you or those around you.

So, moving forward and experiencing emotional and spiritual growth has an element of "bitter-sweet" in it because there's no way that you can grow without becoming aware of where/when you weren't growing.  And then... it seems... that perhaps getting lost or stepping backward is a necessary part of moving forward.  And if it's behind you, then maybe you're through it, so you only have to go forward from now on.  Yeah, that'd be nice.

So, I'm experiencing some grief right now.  Apparently, there are 7 stages to grief.  I'm looking forward to the hope and acceptance stage...bring it on... please.