Thank you - Sara Bareilles - for saying how I feel

"Uncharted"

No words
My tears won't make any room for 'em, oh
And it don't hurt
Like anything I've ever felt before

This is no broken heart
No familiar scars
This territory goes uncharted

Just me
In a room sunk down in a house in a town
And I don't breathe
Though I never meant to let it get away from me

Now I have too much to hold
Everybody has to get their hands on gold
And I want uncharted

Stuck under the ceiling
I made, I can't help the feeling I'm going down
Follow if you want, I won't just hang around
Like you'll show me where to go

I'm already out
Of foolproof ideas so don't ask me how
To get started
It's all uncharted

Each day
I'm countin' up the minutes 'til I get alone
'Cause I can't stay
In the middle of it all, it's nobody's fault

But I'm so low
Never knew so much I didn't know
Oh, everything is uncharted

I know I'm getting nowhere
When I only sit and stare like I'm going down
Follow if you want, I won't just hang around
Like you'll show me where to go

I'm already out
Of foolproof ideas so don't ask me how
To get started
It's all uncharted

Jump start my kaleidoscope heart
I love to watch the colors fade
They may not make sense
But they sure as hell made me

I won't go as a passenger, no
Waiting for the road to be laid
Though I may be going down
I'll take in flame over burning out

Compare
Where you are to where you wanna be
And you'll get nowhere

I'm going down
Follow if you want, I won't just hang around
Like you'll show me where to go

I'm already out
Of foolproof ideas so don't ask me how
To get started

I'm going down
Follow if you want, I won't just hang around
Like you'll show me where to go

I'm already out
Of foolproof ideas so don't ask me how
To get started
It's all uncharted

Inspiration

I need it.  I need it bad!  Not the kind of inspiration that you get from someone or something else... the kind that bubbles up inside of you and points you in the right direction, tells you where to go.

It's the answer to the question, "What am I going to do with the rest of my life?"  It doesn't have to be a complete answer, but a "start here", "aim in this direction", "go forward", "just do it!"...kind of answer.

I've heard it before, felt it... but it doesn't always stick... Maybe that's because I'm ignoring it or putting it aside and focusing on things that are distractions, side roads...

Dear God,
Please help me clear my mind and be open to a wonderful future filled with inspiration, joy, excitement and LIFE.  I'm ready.  Help me stay ready.
Thank you, God.
Amen.

Inspiration. Breathe it in...Life is good.

Happiness

Happiness or that contented feeling that makes you just want to smile comes from some of the strangest things sometimes.

Today, I'm keeping busy.  I'm keeping negative thoughts at bay.  Each time a negative thought tries to enter my mind, I intervene with a thought of love - for myself.  It works.  Try it.

Anyway, so as I am either keeping my mind empty and open or full of love thoughts I looked down at my little note pad.  I always have a note pad... for notes, for thoughts, for writing down how far I run or how much I ate or to list the things I absolutely need to get done...passwords that I will never remember to websites I rarely or never will again visit...

My current notepad (I go through them often) has a bunch of trees or leaves on it.  Well, trees that look like leaves standing up.  It says "Sasquatch - Leave nothing but tracks" on the back.  On the front, there's a little box that says "Sasquatch Sighting - Can you spot him?"  I've looked before and haven't seen him.  I pretty much gave up.  Maybe they forgot to actually print the Sasquatch on my particular notepad copy.

I had to smile today when I looked at the notepad, just for a short amount of time, and saw that Sasquatch climbing on one of those leaf-trees.  It made me happy.  I found the Sasquatch.  I wonder what else I will find today?  Something good, I'm sure...

The problem with email

What a wonderful world we live in where we can get texts, email, IM, phone calls and, of course, see each other in person.  It's a world of constant communication and access.  Woohoo!  Yay!  I can stay connected 24 fucking hours of the day!!!!  Ah, Ugh...  Makes me tired just thinking about it.

So... the problem with email.  And yes, it could just be MY problem with email...let me slowly LEAD into it for your reading pleasure...

The point of email is to share information with another person... via email.  The trick to email is to make sure that if you want a response, to make sure to include a question in the email that requires a response.  OR you could say in the email, "please respond" or "I would like your opinion" or "Hey, write me back"... or "you're a real fucker".  That last one, well... I wouldn't suggest it.

Now, if you are like me (God help you, really), you spend time on the email conveying the proper message.  You make sure to double check it so that you haven't said something that you didn't mean to say. You read it to yourself to check the tone of it.  Maybe you spell check it.  Sometimes I forget that.  And then, the moment arrives and you hit "send".  Yay!  It's sent.  A response is surely on its way to you momentarily.  Smile.

So, here's the problem... (yes, I admit.... may be just be my problem).  Responses to email DO NOT always come "momentarily".  SOMETIMES, the question in the email gets missed and doesn't get answered in the reply.  SOMETIMES, BELIEVE IT OR NOT - the email doesn't even get answered. 

And what's the problem with that?  Well, in this world of constant communication, depending on the email recipient - vague answers or non-answers to email - can cause... problems...  I always picture Mark Zuckerman in the Facebook movie - the scene at the end where he asks to "friend" a woman and then continuously presses the refresh button - waiting for a response....  crazymaking... abso-fucking-lutely crazymaking...

Yes, there's much more I can add to this blog about the problems with email.  And, I must say, I have to see the humor in it - to prevent the crazymaking...  Gotta laugh at yourself if you are willing to stare at a computer screen for  an indefinite amount of time JUST to receive an email...  And now emails come to your phone too.  God help us... I don't even want to get into the problems with THAT.

So, I leave you now.  I'm stepping AWAY from the computer.  I'm not even going to CHECK my email.  I just don't want to know...  There are so many other things to be doing.  Gotta do them.  Fuck the damn email.

Where are you, my friend?

I've noticed lately that your chocolate brown eyes are no longer expressive, but blank and black. 
I miss your spark.  I don't miss it for me, but I miss it for you.

Where are you, my friend?  Lost in a bottle somewhere?  You seem to try so hard to hide what you think are inadequacies that you hide what is so enjoyable about you.

I'd love to see you laugh and have fun.  I'd love to see you dance.

Be wary of comparisons

I had a conversation with a woman who has had some experiences very much like my own.  I could totally identify with where she had been, where she was at and what she had done to deal with her life circumstances (recently).  But, I also had this feeling - I believe it was fear.  I had a fear that our experiences were alike so therefore we were alike and, honestly, I didn't like where she was going (in her thoughts, on her life path, etc.).  It took me a while to really think through it, to realize that she wasn't me, I have choices and her reality is not my reality.

It's hard when you look at someone and see yourself, but I think it is really important to be wary of comparisons.  Don't be blind to the fact that - yes, there are similarities and yes, you could go down that path...But remember to take a breath and say to yourself - I have a choice.  And it doesn't matter if she or anyone else sees the comparisons and thinks we are the same.  I'm the one that determines that.  I get to decide who I am and what I do.  I may do things like you but I am not you and your thinking that I am, doesn't make it so...

Be wary of comparisons.  They can send you down a path that you don't need to be on.  Keep your eyes open, talk to God and keep those that you trust and have your best interest at heart close by.

A real mind fuck

I was listening to a man talk the other day; let's call him "Harry" (I am a die hard Harry Potter fan).  I suppose I could say I was having a conversation with Harry, but really, I didn't do any talking.  Here's the thing... Harry has this friend, his name is "Ron".  Ron recently realized he has a drinking problem after experiencing multiple seizures as a result of his alcohol consumption.  Harry, being the good friend that he is, went to visit Ron and talked with him about his experience, his plans to take care of himself better for the future, about attending AA and about a lifetime of not drinking (from here on out).

Here's the mind fuck: Harry is an alcoholic.  He is not an admitted alcoholic, but if it looks like a duck and quacks like a duck... you know how the saying goes...

Everything that Harry had to say about Ron, could have been said about Harry - minus the seizures.  Harry sounded like he really had an understanding of the situation and what Ron was going to have to do.  Harry fully supported Ron.  He expressed anger with one of Ron's friends, who also had a seizure a while back, because he told Ron not to believe that the seizure was actually from the alcohol consumption.

At one point he said to me, "Ron said, 'as far as I'm concerned, anyone that drinks more than 6 beers in a night has a problem.'"  Harry's response was, "Hey now, I think many of us have had 6 or more..." so Ron replied, "Well...everyday.  If you drink 6 or more everyday, you've got a problem."

Really?

It's scary to see addiction and denial in action.  It's sad. It makes me wonder where the real Harry is.  Hidden behind all that denial...

And just to clarify - this is not a judgment.  It's a mind fuck.  I am not saying that I am immune to addiction or denial (because I am not), but I do believe that I had a very clear view of it during this one sided conversation. And I felt myself getting sucked into it a bit...like if someone lies to your face day after day, you finally just accept the lie as truth.  You join the denial.  Shit, Harry's not an alcoholic.  He doesn't drink 6 beers EVERY day.  Sheesh...

But as I watched Harry fill up his wine glass after he told me last week that he wasn't going to drink on weeknights, I realized the mind fuck I had just experienced.

Thank you God for the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference.