2012 is going to be a good year

How can the year not start off great when the last blog of 2011 is titled, "Vagina"?

What body part shall we start this year off with?  Perhaps something a little more benign, like "foot" or something... I mean, start from the bottom and move on up for the year?  That sounds great!  A new beginning, starting with my feet firm on the ground for 2012, taking each step by putting one foot in front of the other.  Ahh... sounds grand.  Start simple, move forward, love what is, look forward to what will be, leave the past behind, enjoy the present, dance a little, run and play... Yes.  Sounds great.  And my feet are up to the task.  They have been scrubbed, moisturized, nails clipped (those that aren't missing) and are properly cared for in the right shoes for the right activity.  And, of course, they get some time off at home to walk around naked... oh, well, I guess that would be "barefoot" (not naked, geez...where is my mind).

So! I look forward to what this year brings!  What it has already brought!  Feet planted firmly on the ground.  Let's move!

VAGINA

A vagina post.  Every blog needs one...

I recently had a conversation with a girlfriend and she was telling me about how taking hormones (Estrogen, I think?) can help with depression and other premenstrual symptoms.  She explained that the best way to take the hormones is not orally, but to put them where they can do the most good.  We actually had this conversation twice.  The first conversation was over the phone.  The second was via email.  She explained how she was using Estrogen cream and applying it in her Vagina.

I don't know what came over me.  I read the email and saw the word "vagina" and got the giggles.  I was a 41 year old turned 12.  I was thinking, "did she really type the word v-a-g-i-n-a?"  Hahaha... VAGINA.  Haha... Ha. 

Yes, I completely lost it.  So I had to let her know.  I replied to her email and told her how I had a hard time noticing anything in her email besides the word "vagina".  I reverted to a pre-teen state and lost all sense of maturity...  Haha... Vagina...

The next day came around and I hadn't checked my email.  I hadn't really thought of our email conversation at all.  I was "over" my immaturity spell and was moving on.  The hormone conversation had completely left my mind and then, right about lunch time, I received a text on my phone.

I non-chalantly checked my phone and saw who the text was from so opened it right away.  There was only one word in the text message:

"VAGINA"

I started laughing so hard I damn near started rolling on the floor.  Who knew that the female body part could bring such joy to a 41 year old woman?  Wait a minute... actually, THAT didn't sound right... Hmmm....

Hey!  Psst!!   "vagina"

HAhaHAhaHAhaha...ha. :-)

What I want

I want to be free.

I want to be free from that feeling of anxiety or guilt that I get all too often.
I want to take action and move forward.
I want to face my fears head on and show them who's boss.
I want to have compassion and forgiveness for myself and others.
I want to feel acceptance of those things that are out of my control.
I want to be aware of my addictive tendencies so that they cannot control me. 
I don't want to be perfect, but I want to be perfectly me.
I want to experience the world around me and not be locked in the world that exists in my head.
I want to be an example to others of how to live freely.
I want to feel love in its purest form.
I want to take advantage of each and every day.
I want to hear my friend's stories and participate in their lives.
I want to show my children how great life can be. Every day.

I want to be free so I'm choosing it now.

Thank you - Sara Bareilles - for saying how I feel

"Uncharted"

No words
My tears won't make any room for 'em, oh
And it don't hurt
Like anything I've ever felt before

This is no broken heart
No familiar scars
This territory goes uncharted

Just me
In a room sunk down in a house in a town
And I don't breathe
Though I never meant to let it get away from me

Now I have too much to hold
Everybody has to get their hands on gold
And I want uncharted

Stuck under the ceiling
I made, I can't help the feeling I'm going down
Follow if you want, I won't just hang around
Like you'll show me where to go

I'm already out
Of foolproof ideas so don't ask me how
To get started
It's all uncharted

Each day
I'm countin' up the minutes 'til I get alone
'Cause I can't stay
In the middle of it all, it's nobody's fault

But I'm so low
Never knew so much I didn't know
Oh, everything is uncharted

I know I'm getting nowhere
When I only sit and stare like I'm going down
Follow if you want, I won't just hang around
Like you'll show me where to go

I'm already out
Of foolproof ideas so don't ask me how
To get started
It's all uncharted

Jump start my kaleidoscope heart
I love to watch the colors fade
They may not make sense
But they sure as hell made me

I won't go as a passenger, no
Waiting for the road to be laid
Though I may be going down
I'll take in flame over burning out

Compare
Where you are to where you wanna be
And you'll get nowhere

I'm going down
Follow if you want, I won't just hang around
Like you'll show me where to go

I'm already out
Of foolproof ideas so don't ask me how
To get started

I'm going down
Follow if you want, I won't just hang around
Like you'll show me where to go

I'm already out
Of foolproof ideas so don't ask me how
To get started
It's all uncharted

Inspiration

I need it.  I need it bad!  Not the kind of inspiration that you get from someone or something else... the kind that bubbles up inside of you and points you in the right direction, tells you where to go.

It's the answer to the question, "What am I going to do with the rest of my life?"  It doesn't have to be a complete answer, but a "start here", "aim in this direction", "go forward", "just do it!"...kind of answer.

I've heard it before, felt it... but it doesn't always stick... Maybe that's because I'm ignoring it or putting it aside and focusing on things that are distractions, side roads...

Dear God,
Please help me clear my mind and be open to a wonderful future filled with inspiration, joy, excitement and LIFE.  I'm ready.  Help me stay ready.
Thank you, God.
Amen.

Inspiration. Breathe it in...Life is good.

Happiness

Happiness or that contented feeling that makes you just want to smile comes from some of the strangest things sometimes.

Today, I'm keeping busy.  I'm keeping negative thoughts at bay.  Each time a negative thought tries to enter my mind, I intervene with a thought of love - for myself.  It works.  Try it.

Anyway, so as I am either keeping my mind empty and open or full of love thoughts I looked down at my little note pad.  I always have a note pad... for notes, for thoughts, for writing down how far I run or how much I ate or to list the things I absolutely need to get done...passwords that I will never remember to websites I rarely or never will again visit...

My current notepad (I go through them often) has a bunch of trees or leaves on it.  Well, trees that look like leaves standing up.  It says "Sasquatch - Leave nothing but tracks" on the back.  On the front, there's a little box that says "Sasquatch Sighting - Can you spot him?"  I've looked before and haven't seen him.  I pretty much gave up.  Maybe they forgot to actually print the Sasquatch on my particular notepad copy.

I had to smile today when I looked at the notepad, just for a short amount of time, and saw that Sasquatch climbing on one of those leaf-trees.  It made me happy.  I found the Sasquatch.  I wonder what else I will find today?  Something good, I'm sure...

The problem with email

What a wonderful world we live in where we can get texts, email, IM, phone calls and, of course, see each other in person.  It's a world of constant communication and access.  Woohoo!  Yay!  I can stay connected 24 fucking hours of the day!!!!  Ah, Ugh...  Makes me tired just thinking about it.

So... the problem with email.  And yes, it could just be MY problem with email...let me slowly LEAD into it for your reading pleasure...

The point of email is to share information with another person... via email.  The trick to email is to make sure that if you want a response, to make sure to include a question in the email that requires a response.  OR you could say in the email, "please respond" or "I would like your opinion" or "Hey, write me back"... or "you're a real fucker".  That last one, well... I wouldn't suggest it.

Now, if you are like me (God help you, really), you spend time on the email conveying the proper message.  You make sure to double check it so that you haven't said something that you didn't mean to say. You read it to yourself to check the tone of it.  Maybe you spell check it.  Sometimes I forget that.  And then, the moment arrives and you hit "send".  Yay!  It's sent.  A response is surely on its way to you momentarily.  Smile.

So, here's the problem... (yes, I admit.... may be just be my problem).  Responses to email DO NOT always come "momentarily".  SOMETIMES, the question in the email gets missed and doesn't get answered in the reply.  SOMETIMES, BELIEVE IT OR NOT - the email doesn't even get answered. 

And what's the problem with that?  Well, in this world of constant communication, depending on the email recipient - vague answers or non-answers to email - can cause... problems...  I always picture Mark Zuckerman in the Facebook movie - the scene at the end where he asks to "friend" a woman and then continuously presses the refresh button - waiting for a response....  crazymaking... abso-fucking-lutely crazymaking...

Yes, there's much more I can add to this blog about the problems with email.  And, I must say, I have to see the humor in it - to prevent the crazymaking...  Gotta laugh at yourself if you are willing to stare at a computer screen for  an indefinite amount of time JUST to receive an email...  And now emails come to your phone too.  God help us... I don't even want to get into the problems with THAT.

So, I leave you now.  I'm stepping AWAY from the computer.  I'm not even going to CHECK my email.  I just don't want to know...  There are so many other things to be doing.  Gotta do them.  Fuck the damn email.