Love the moment

Yeah, fuck THIS moment...

Some days it's just so hard to not let yourself be shit on by other people.  I mean, you think, well, I can move out of the way, I can ignore what she just said, did, whatever... but sometimes, SOMETIMES you just need to say, FUCK IT.

Fuck you and everyone that looks like you.  Fuck you and the horse you rode in on.  Fuck it.  Fuck.

I'm sorry, did you want to see me?  Fuck you.

What?  Can I do that for you?  Haha... Nah... I was kidding.  Do it your fucking self.

Yep.  That's my day - loving every moment of it.  Absolutely, without a doubt.

Fuck.

Refreshing...

There are some things about me, I'm realizing...

I can be stubborn during times where it really isn't to my advantage or in my best interest to be stubborn.  I procrastinate about things that would take no time at all just to take care of.  I think I understand how things are or how people are until I open my mouth and realize I was totally mistaken.  And then I want to pick up the words off the ground in front of me and shovel them back where they came from.

There are other things.  Things I do that are really just ridiculous...

I have been so lucky recently to have had the experience of being adored for these ridiculous things that I do.  Or maybe... maybe I've been adored in spite of these ridiculous things that I do.

It's so refreshing.

It's wonderful to look out and see people with all their quirks and giggle about it.  Accept it.  Smile about it.  Smile with them.  Sometimes, kindly and gently poke a little fun and love them for it.  Such a different experience than I have had before...

Refreshing...I think I'll stay this way...

A window and a door

It's comfortable sitting next to this window where I can look out and see the trees and the sun and clouds, good weather and bad.  I can see the people doing what they do as they pass by.  I can wonder about where they are going, where they've been and what their lives must be like behind closed doors. I can dream about what I want to do and what I want to be.  I can imagine what it will be like when I get up and walk across the room to the door that opens up to my future.

The door is very inviting and I envision what it would be like to open that door and step out.  I have some idea of where it will lead.  I don't know what will happen on the way, but I do know where it CAN take me.  It would take  me to a place where I'm one of the people passing by windows where others are looking at me and imagining what my life is like behind closed doors.

It's comfortable sitting next to this window but the days are long and the view is limited to only what the window allows me to see.  I find myself staring at the door more often.  I think it might be exciting to walk over and just open the door a bit.  Perhaps the view outside the door, along the way, in the future, is more amazing than I can even dream about while sitting here next to this window.

I'm sitting further from the window now and it's not so comfortable.  The view is so small from here and the door is so close.  I don't think I can stay here much longer.  I'm afraid to go out the door, but I don't know what I'm afraid of.  I wish that I wanted to stay here comfortable next to the window.  Maybe I'll just close my eyes, stand up and reach in front of me.  If it's the window that I reach for, then I'll stay.  If it's the door...

I know

I just wanted to tell you that "I know".

I know that I could have done better.  I see where I made mistakes.

Even when I say out loud, "You did this to me and hurt me."  I think about what I did that hurt you.

I think about how I acted, thought and felt and how it could have been different.  Would things be different now?  Maybe... maybe...

I can't go back and change everything I did and how I reacted.  I don't know what would have happened if I had the ability to see things as I do now.

I am thankful that I am able to see more clearly now, because it means the future will be a more positive place, for me, for you... for anyone I interact with.

At some point I hope to make this amends to you. I'd like you to know.  All those things you think about, if you think about the same things I do... you're right.  I made mistakes.  I could have done better, I could have done more.  It's not all your fault.

I know.

You are strong

I read the text from a friend, "You are strong."  Yes, I am.

I see the email from a confidant, "You can do it."  Yes, I can.

I hear the words, "You are amazing."  I must be.

I know these things because I'm not alone.

And that's awesome.

How many men have YOU slept with?

Uh...  "Huh?"

My daughter... again, "How many men have YOU slept with?"

I'm sorry... "WHAT?"

Internal monologue:
WHAT IN THE FUCK is she ASKING me this for?  And WHAT is the RIGHT answer???  WHAT??

Daughter, laughing a bit and a little irritated at my non-answer, sitting next to her younger girlfriend..."Well, what is it... like 5?"

Internal monologue:
5??  Is 5 a good number or a bad number.  Let me see, uh, there was... uh...  Oh my God.  I would have NEVER asked my mother this question. And definitely NEVER in front of one of my friends (I would have told my friends later what she said...).  And how many men DID my mom sleep with?  Is it genetic?  I mean, the predisposition to sleeping with a certain number of men?  Think, think, think...

Daughter's friend, "Yeah, how many men have you slept with?"

"Well, how many men has your mom slept with?"

Internal monologue:
Whew... get the focus off me for a bit...

Daughter's friend, "I don't know.  I would never ask her, but I would like to know how many you have
slept with."

"Well, I'm not going to answer the question.  I am not comfortable sharing that information with you."

Daughter, "So you've had a one night stand?"

Internal monologue:
...................................................................................

Just walk away...

It's an adventure...

There are so many ways to experience life as an adventure.  I just didn't realize until today that one of those ways is through financial insecurity.

Let me paint the picture for you...

It's Monday, you get paid every two weeks and you have to make it to Friday - payday.  Five days.  No problem...right?

Ok, ok...So, it's Monday and you have SOME money available in your checking account, but your credit card is completely useless because the limit is low and well, it's at the limit.  You need to fill up your gas tank with cash from your checking account.  You could live for the next five days on the groceries you have in the house, but the kids will have you arrested for starving them if you do not buy more food before Friday.  More money out of the checking account.  You wrote a check two weeks ago that you forgot about and this is the week that it finally hits your account.  You use your Target debit card which is attached to your checking account and forget that it takes a couple of days to post to your account, so you THINK you actually have more money available than you do.

In an effort to be proactive, you take a good look at your budget, you account for all of these outstanding debts that will most likely hit your account before Friday and prepare yourself to have a checking account balance very close to zero before all is "said and done".

And then, looking forward, you decide to schedule payments on your credit card and other bills in advance so that they will be taken care of once you get paid and there is money in your account to cover them.  When Friday comes, Ahhh.... you can breathe and know that you have money available, bills will be paid.  YES!  Life is good - a little stressful until then, but yes, life is good...

AND THEN...on Tuesday...you get a text that the VERY LARGE payment you THOUGHT you scheduled for Friday (payday, remember?) for your credit card has been posted to your account... GASP!!! choke... Holy F...FUCK!

NOW is the time that you THANK GOD that you've treated your family and friends fairly well, because they are the ONLY WAY you will get out of this situation ALIVE (or, at least without a bunch of overdraft charges and returned check fees - not to mention being arrested because you haven't yet bought those groceries for your starving children).

Thursday.  Only one day before payday.  The final stretch of the longest week of your life...  The day before you can pay back Peter for covering for your paying Paul too early...  BUT...it's also the day that you need to go pick up that rental car you reserved.  The rental car that requires a deposit on your credit card in order to be picked up.  A deposit amount that is $7 more than the credit available on your credit card (even with the SUPER HUGE payment that you made with Peter's money).  What do you do now?  Well, cross your fingers... say a prayer... talk to friends... call the credit card company...be prepared to tell your entire financial fiasco of a week to the car rental place and hope that they will pity you enough to give you the car even if you can't come up with the full deposit.

Yes, yes... I use the word "you" above, but it's me.  This is my week.  Not an example of a fictitious "you" week... This is my terrible, terrible way of screwing myself up in just a matter of a few days (and, mind you, the second time I've had a problem with being prepared for a rental car deposit).  BUT it made me realize that... IT'S AN ADVENTURE.  And there were many people involved.  There was connection.  There was excitement.  There was understanding and care and forgiveness and empathy and sympathy.  I was supported.  I was not alone.  And after getting the rental car, there was relief and happiness - and not just mine.  I was joined.

So, it's an adventure and an experience I will not forget.  I love adventures.  I wouldn't have asked for this one, but I can honestly say that this one turned out wonderfully and all of the players, from family & friends to the credit card representative and rental car counter clerk, were just wonderful.

Thanks for being a part of my adventure.

I CANNOT wait until tomorrow. Whew!... (Friday - payday - remember?)